Thoughts on sexuality - discovering queerness

Note: This reflection was written in May 2019 and edited now. It's the first part of a "thoughts on sexuality" series where I basically come out as queer and try to break down difficult questions of sexuality. So much has happened ever since I wrote this and my own identity has been transforming. However, this text has laid the foundation of my queer journey. In this reflection, I disseminate where I came from and how this discovery has enriched and changed my life forever. Enjoy!

Discovering queerness 

"Heteronormativity* doesn’t allow much space for reflection and when you’re naturally attracted to the norm, why question it? If you’re on the “right” side - why be gay?"

I’ve been thinking about the concept of sexuality more intensely lately. In particular, I’ve been thinking about my own sexuality, my own orientation(s). What am I? What is my own sexuality? Can it be defined by one or more labels? Does it matter? Does any of this matter? Why are THE GAYS so obsessed with sexuality? Was I born straight and became bisexual? Was I always bisexual and repressed it until the age of 23? Why should anyone care? Why does any of this matter? Does this matter at all? LET'S FIND OUT.

When I first came out as bisexual at the age of 23, I was a bit shocked and even confused. Reading back, it is possible to see the first signs, the first coming outs to myself, in the comfort and secrecy of my journal. Writing about my new attractions helped me made sense of what I was feeling and helped me understand where I was. It all kept changing, it still is changing. Back then, I defined my sexuality as fluid, as I didn’t feel comfortable with using bisexual as a label. Any label under the LGBTQ+ acronym comes heavily loaded both from people inside and outside the community. I’d never been with a woman, how could I call myself bisexual? The Bs would ask me for proof, the straights would think I was seeking attention. Fluidity seemed a safe haven. But I was still confused.

See, I thought sexuality was somewhat static in time. As in, I thought it’d be defined early in life and that it wouldn’t simply change. I didn’t know of anyone who had come out later in life to themselves. It’s a different thing to come out to the world later on in life, but to yourself? I’d never really considered that. Straight people have this privilege of never having to reflect on their sexuality as their lives are laid out to us early in life. The easier way to explain this is: I was never asked if I had a girlfriend when I was young, but I was asked repeatedly if I had a boyfriend and how many boyfriends I had from a young age. I’d also see straight couples holding hands and kissing publicly with no fear of negative repercussions; I’d see them represented in media and always portrayed as the natural. I was told I’d have boyfriends, that I’d get married, that he’d father my children. Being straight has always been the norm and the normal thing to be. Being gay isn't a crime, sure, but it isn't necessarily okay either. In fact, same-sex marriage was only legalised in Portugal in 2010, which kinda makes it look like being gay is not that widely accepted. So why would anyone in their right mind want to be gay?
People seem to believe only LGBTQ+ people are obsessed with sexuality – always having to talk about it and write about it, and protest about it and omg how annoying, stop being so loud! Stop being so proud! But the truth is, growing up, I knew I was straight for two reasons:

1. because I’d been raised to be that way, by consistent and systematic reinforcement of heterosexuality as the norm. Now this on its own wouldn’t make me straight, because there are gay people raised in the same world as me. Believe it or not, gay people exist, Karen! So this brings me to:
2. because I felt very naturally, very biologically attracted to boys. So a mix of nature and nurture? I believe so. It is yet to be proven that orientation and sexuality are defined by genetics, so maybe there’s more to this story than the I was born this way trope we all like to hide behind (Sorry, Lady Gaga).

Becoming bi

"I was born screaming and covered in blood and that’s pretty much it"

I wasn’t born bisexual – I became one. I never repressed my bisexual identity, as the moment I felt it emerging I accepted and embraced it. I educated myself to be bi. I listened to my body, my nature, my hormones raging (Rub----*coughs*y Ro*coughs again*se)**.
But I also wasn’t born straight. To be honest, I was born screaming and covered in blood and that’s pretty much it. Then my parents built me up, as did the rest of my family and the rest of society.

I have two photos of me at about 3 or 4 kissing a neighbour girl and a neighbour boy. Two different photos. Looking back this is better foreshadowing that I’d be bi later in life, than Daenarys becoming the Mad Queen in Game of Thrones. At least I was clearly set out to be bi (as I’ll explain later), Daenarys became mad in what like 2 episodes and some vague foreshadowing from previous seasons? But foreshadowing is not enough to build her character as the Mad Queen! Well, for now, let’s go back to me kissing boys and girls at age 3: I don’t obviously remember taking those photos, but I’m certain I didn’t feel anything remotely sexual. I was merely imitating a behaviour I’d seen adults perform, as kids do. As I grew up and sexual feelings started to emerge, I felt attracted to boys and I started seeing them as potential romantic partners. If I felt attracted to girls too? Yes, I could say so, but I never saw them as potential partners, so even if I did find them attractive I wouldn’t think of them that way. Even though I’ve always been emotionally drawn to women, as I felt they understood me better and, as I kept navigating adolescence, I knew that they didn’t want me just for sex. They didn’t want me for sex at all! With boys, on the other hand, I’d have to tread more carefully. So looking back, the natural, biological aspect of bisexuality was probably always there anyway, but I chose not to see women as sexual and romantic partners and that made me straight. But when I say “I chose” that doesn’t mean I sat down with myself for a planned discussion on who I’d like to kiss! Again, heteronormativity doesn’t allow much space for reflection and when you’re naturally attracted to the norm, why change it? Why question it? If you’re on the “right” side - why deviate from it and make your life harder than it has to be? Why be gay?

Ugandan trans activist Pepe Julian Onziema being interviewed on national TV. The first question he was asked was "Why are you gay?" and this became a meme. Video here and full interview here. CW for severe homophobia and transphobia.

So I raised myself as bi and I woke up as bi the moment I decided to start thinking and reflecting on my own sexuality. The moment I stopped taking heterosexuality as a standard of being I had to conform to.

The bisexual pride flag & me, a proud bisexual

“That’s a phase” – it could well be, being straight certainly was! A long phase I’m honestly happy finally ended! But I don’t think you can ever become straight again after discovering fluidity. This doesn’t mean I’ll never again enter straight-passing relationships. But being in a seemingly straight relationship won’t defy nor deny my sexual fluidity. If I can be fluid and navigate a spectrum, why get stuck to either side of it?
This time, I feel like I am liberating myself from the heavy chains of societal expectations. This means, I’m discovering myself on my own terms. And that’s what it comes down to: I’m reclaiming my own sexuality from a society that has taught me heteronormativity. I believe that part of growing up is learning to take ownership and responsibility for the person I want to be. I’ve come a long way and got on the gay*** road (a little bit by mistake if I’m honest). But, you know what, I feel like I’m driving on the right side. It suddenly feels like home again.

Labels

"Labels give you a picture, but blur the details"

So I’m bisexual? Yes, no? Yes, for sure, right? I mean I like men and women and anyone in between. I’m bisexual. Or am I?... Do labels matter? Do I really want to define myself as bi? Labels do and don’t matter. I say I’m bi more to explain myself to others than as an expression of my identity to myself. Sexuality is so much more than the gender of the person I’m attracted to. Sexuality is an internal feeling and labels always seem to fall short of explaining deep internal concepts of identity. That being said, they’re great signaling tools for self-expression and they help build bridges and create and guide communities. Labels give you a picture, but blur the details. And sometimes you want the details. Sometimes I feel like by saying I’m bisexual I’m leaving out something deeper. That is, labels will allow them to see me as a potential partner, but they’ll fail to express the emotional and physical connection we feel and what draws us to each other. So don’t ditch labels if they help you understand yourself and if they’re useful to you. And ditch them when you don’t need them.

Why should you care?

So why talk about any of this? And why should anyone care about my experience?

“Ania, I decided to think and I’m still straight or I’m still 100% gay.”

That’s all okay. You own your own identity, you feel what you feel, love who you love, fuck who you wanna fuck (as long as they wanna fuck you back, otherwise it’s called sexual assault). I’m not imposing bisexuality on anyone, who do you think I am shoving normative ideas of sexuality down people’s throats? A big media corporation? A religious fanatic? Your parents? Your cousin that thinks it’s okay to be gay, but there’s definitely something wrong with the gays? (true story) Naw, pal. I’m just a queer kid who allowed herself to ask questions and reflect on answers and I invite anyone to do the same. You don’t have to share your answers with anyone (like I did, 'cause I like attention). You don’t have to come up with a different answer than the one you’ve always known. You most definitely don’t need to use a label to describe yourself if you don’t want to be defined by one. For me personally, this new discovery enriched my life and even though the process is hard and the responses you get from others are not always what you wished for, it’ll always be worthwhile to seek the truth and I can only hope I’ll always have the strength to reinvent myself and to explore all my identities with this same passion.

____

More notes:

*Heteronormativity: "the idea that heterosexuality is the normal sexual orientation and dictating that sexual and marital relations are only fitting between two people of the opposite sex, therefore becoming the standard by which individuals are measured, judged and held accountable" (Knox, 2006; Enson, 2015).
See Enson (2015). Causes and consequences of heteronormativity in healthcare and education

**On the Ruby Rose reference: This video made me realise I was gay, from beginning to end. Straight women, approach it with caution.

***I use the term gay sparingly over the text as an umbrella term for all queer and sexual minorities.